


🍆🍑

by ThetaSigma



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Did you know the eggplant is not an eggplant?, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Misunderstanding common emojis, Texting, or at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23991061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThetaSigma/pseuds/ThetaSigma
Summary: How was he supposed to know that a text reading: 🍆🍑?didn'tactually mean he was supposed to go pick up some produce from the farmer's market?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 98





	🍆🍑

Anyone who looked at Crowley and Aziraphale, perhaps observed them for some time, would assume Crowley was the modern, with-it, hip one. After all, Crowley had the minimalist, modern flat with the enormous flat-screen TV. He could frequently be found scrolling through his smartphone. Most of his demonic plots* involved technological frustrations in some manner**. He loved those most of all -- after all, those who were most affected tended to be Hell-bound for other reasons. He just made life more miserable for them while they were on Earth.

_ *Granted, the standard observer would perhaps not understand that these were demonic plots. They may notice that Crowley seemed to be behind many of the really annoying aspects. _

_ **Annoying banner ads were his. So was the term ‘listicle’. Also ‘click-bait’ -- both the word and the concept. Those email forwards that people tend to get from their moms with a subject line of “Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: FUNNY STORY” were also his invention. YouTube videos that were  _ interrupted _ by ads was one of his ideas. Sudden call drops were his intervention. Buffering was his. Actually, you know what, assume that pretty much anything that annoys you about technology was in some way his idea at some point. Not  _ everything, _ but if it annoys you, there’s a solid 95% chance he thought of it. Otherwise we’ll be here all day listing shit he thought up.  _

Aziraphale, on the other hand, still had a rotary phone in his bookshop. He didn’t own a TV, there was no computer humming somewhere in the shop, and his shop was absolutely full of old books. He wore antiquated clothes, unlike Crowley, who followed fashions closely, and changed both his hair and his wardrobe every decade or so. And he had an antiquated turn of phrase, transporting quite a few elderly people to their childhoods. 

And yet….

***

The failed Armageddon was some two or three years ago. Aziraphale and Crowley are still good friends, and also nothing more. Not for a lack of wanting, mind, on either side, but because both of them are too scared to risk asking. Neither can think of how to go against 6,000 years of habit.

The most recent change has been that they now  _ text. _ Crowley was shocked to find out that Aziraphale actually  _ owned _ a smartphone and knew how to send a text, but he rather likes it. Aziraphale is still so very  _ Aziraphale _ within these texts. No texting lingo, no shortenings, no abbreviations. Perfect punctuation. Crowley’s a lot more lackadaisical with his language usage*.

_ *This is not actually different. Crowley has been abbreviating written language since it was invented, much to Aziraphale’s consternation.  _

The text exchanges are often mundane observations or funny moments they happened to capture on camera*.

_ *Crowley cheats. If he sees something particularly amusing that would also be very fleeting, he has zero qualms about stopping time so he can photograph it for Aziraphale.  _

Actually, rather than trying to explain, here are some examples of their text exchanges:

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Crowley, I know you are not the greatest fan of seafood -- or, perhaps, I should say, food in general -- but there is an absolutely delightful new sushi bar in London you should try.  _ 🍣🍙🍘

**_Crowley:_ ** _ i ate lst mnth angel mgood for 6wks stl. _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Really, my dear, is it so hard to type all of those words out? If it is, may I suggest voice-to-text?  _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ Hey Angel texting you while driving don’t worry I’m using voice-to... HEY MOTHERDUCKER DON’T YOU DUCKING CUT ME OFF sorry Angel this jerk can’t drive YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU YOU MOTHERDUCKER OH YEAH YOU WANNA FIGHT FINE WE’LL FIGHT YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU YOU BADGER FACED PRICK  _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ hey angel I’ll have to text you later. _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Oh, I do hope you didn’t hurt the stupid man too much. Also, dear, if you say comma or period, it will add one, because that was a rather long run-on sentence. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ nah the rat-faced fink is still alive angel also sure i’ll keep the punctuation thing in mind bye _

**_Aziraphale:_** _I think I still prefer when you use voice-to-text, my dear, as at least all your words are spelled out. Also, I’m glad to see your language has cleaned up a bit_ 😄. 

**_Crowley:_ ** _ Oh DUCKING AUTOCORRECT no NOT DUCK I MEANT DUCK YOU DUCKING THING angel I’ll get back to you _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Crowley, do you remember Oscar? _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ angel if you mean wilde…  _ 👿😡😤💩

**_Aziraphale_ ** _ : Oh, come on, he was a genius. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ [voice message 0:36]: Angel, he was an overrated prick who thought he was the hottest shit in London, thought that witty bon-mots were a substitute for substance and depth, and he’s only remembered because of that whole trial, which was a fucking sham and you know I’m not one to victim blame but he brought it on himself. He can FUCK OFF and if you EVER bring him up again, angel, I will disappear for a century _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ As much as I would hate to spend an entire century -- again! -- not speaking to you, I DO want to point out, my dear, that you are a master of witty bon-mots yourself. I would have thought you two would have gotten along marvelously. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ he was a prick and nvm he was a prick. Did you have a REASON for bringing him up, angel? _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ You know, I did, but I can’t remember now, honestly. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ angel you’d know this it’s driving me CRAZY who was that guy in hamlet when we were flipping for edinburgh he played hamlet. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ he was also there when the globe burned down also do you remember that that was a fucking night  _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Richard Burbage, dear. He made an excellent Hamlet. He was also a superb Othello. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ THAT’S THE BASTARD THANK YOU _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Crowley, I may never recover. I have just witnessed a person SPREAD their foie gras! _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ the NERVE _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ I was overcome. It was horrendous.  _ 👎🤮😱😤🤬  _ Pardon my language.  _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ hey angel did i leave my keys at your place last night can’t find them now not that it’s a huge problem because i can just MAKE the door open but also where are my keys _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ I’m not sure, dear. I can go take a look around.  _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Well, they are not anywhere on the sofa or the tables. Can’t you just IMAGINE your keys are in your pocket? _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ [voice message 0:15] Angel you have NO IDEA how ANNOYED I am that I didn’t think of that. Obviously I could and just DID, so while I still have no idea where they had gotten to, they are now in my pocket.  _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Oh, I’m delighted that worked. I was a bit unsure if it would if you KNEW you didn’t have your keys.  _ 🥳😁😊

**_Crowley:_ ** _ frankly i don’t know if it SHOULD have worked but it did my imagination is excellent angel.  _ 💡💭🗯️

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ [voice message 2:48] Crowley, dear, I simply MUST tell you about this customer that came in today. He seemed to think my shop was some kind of second-hand bookstore where a book costs tuppence as opposed to an antique shop. While I would normally be delighted to have such a customer wander in, as they’ll leave again sharpish once they see my completely reasonable prices, he was eating crisps! In an antique shop! It would hardly be appropriate behaviour in the kind of second-hand store he seemed to think this was! And I have never seen crisps such as these, but they were not the classic oval shape. Rather, they were twisty crunchy shapes. But the most horrible part, Crowley, was the orange-red dust that coated his fingers from these and that could have been transferred to my precious books! It was all I could do not to be horribly rude to him to get him to leave, but my better nature prevailed and I simply informed all shoppers that the store was now closing. _

**_Crowley:_ ** _ angel you could have just miracled whatever book he touched clean _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Oh, but Crowley, I’d have always known the stain was underneath!  _ 😢😢

**_Crowley:_ ** _ fine i could have miracled the books clean for you _

**_Aziraphale:_ ** _ Oh, *Crowley*. _

As is becoming obvious, the exact kind of mundane things any two good friends text each other, although with far more references to long-ago events*.

_ *And rather a lot more flirtation than two strictly-platonic friends would have, admittedly. _

The reader may be wondering, here, what being modern and with-it has to do with these silly texts. We’re getting to that.

Because not much after the exchanges above, Aziraphale sent the following:

**_Aziraphale:_** 🍆🍑?

**_Crowley:_ ** _ sure i can stop by the farmers market today before we meet up they might have those apples i like. _

***

Some five years later, after they managed to have an actual conversation* and have been  _ properly _ together, Crowley swaggers into Aziraphale’s study**. “Aziraphale, you would never believe what I just found out!”

_ *That didn’t involve Aziraphale sending Crowley emojis in the hopes that would work and he could avoid having an actual conversation. _

_ **Which is really just the bookshop, but as it’s had the “SORRY WE’RE CLOSED” sign up for three straight years now, Crowley’s taken to calling it Aziraphale’s study. _

Aziraphale looks up interestedly. “Go on, my love,” he says with a smile. 

“I was watching a video and, angel, did you know the eggplant emoji  _ is not an eggplant?” _

Aziraphale manages not to facepalm. And, well, he is just a  _ bit _ of a bastard… “The eggplant emoji?”

“Yes, you know the one!” Crowley shows him on his phone. “I just found out apparently it stands for something  _ else. _ Did you know this?”

“Yes, of course I did! Good god man, where have you  _ been?” _ Aziraphale answers, giving up the fight and laughing. 

Crowley freezes suddenly, then hurriedly scrolls through his phone -- specifically, the text messages with Aziraphale. It takes quite a bit of time, but eventually he finds it. He turns the phone and shows Aziraphale the text he’d thought of -- the eggplant and peach emojis. “Angel,” he asks in a strangled tone, “are you saying with this text you  _ weren’t _ asking me to pick up an aubergine and a peach at the market for you?”

“I was  _ definitely _ not, but you did bring me some delightful produce.”

Crowley sinks into one of the armchairs. “You know, I’m still stuck on how  _ you _ know about this. You own a  _ rotary phone.” _

“I like that phone! But I’ve had a smartphone as long as you have, my love, and I learned a  _ lot _ on Tinder. Never met up with anyone, before you say anything, but I’ve had some excellent chats. Learned about the emojis there. Wait till you find out what the water droplets are!”

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic exists because of [this clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UztioBpKlRk), in which David Tennant admits not knowing that the eggplant emoji doesn't mean an eggplant, and when he asks "Did YOU know this?" Michael Sheen responds with "Yes, good God man, where have you BEEN?"  
> And I thought, well, I mean, one would assume that Aziraphale would be the one not to know what these emojis mean... but also it would be hilarious if Crowley is somehow the one not to know.


End file.
